Etiquette of losing elections

Monday, November 19, 2018

Democrats appear to have adopted a new training manual for candidates on how to behave when they lose.

This would replace the Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette on how to accept defeat with grace and dignity.

An earlier edition was available and had its test run after the polls closed in 2016 when a distraught Hillary Clinton refused to come out from closed doors to comfort the weeping mass of women convulsing on the convention floor in hysterical fits.

While this seem to do the trick for one night, Democrats soon realized they needed to come up with a more comprehensive guide, and the second edition added chapters on how to blame the Russians so as to avoid having to ever take blame for losing the election themselves. But after two years, so many people became skeptical of this, Democrats were forced to revise the text entirely. For a time, they considered simply doing search and replace and change Russians to Chinese, but since this lacked the nostalgic appeal of old time Red Scares, the Democratic authors decided to go in another direction entirely and reverted to “tried and true” methods they have resorted to in the past: accusing the GOP of voter suppression.

While Democrats stuffed ballot boxes with an assortment of questionable votes, they screamed voter suppression the moment anyone catches them at it – one of the reasons Democrats do not want voters to have to produce identification when casting ballots at the polls.

This scam usually works on a public ignorant of how political actually works, since few Americans understand that voter suppression is a fact of life and a tool used by both partie4s since the founding fathers (mothers didn’t get the vote until the dawn of the 20th century, at which point buying votes wholesale became popular, especially in Democratic strong holes like Hudson County and Chicago.

Winning elections requires a party to somehow discourage the other party’s voters from coming out. Democrats often use media polls to accomplish this by claiming the GOP candidate is so far behind his or her supporters might as well just stay home.

The problem for Democrats over the last few election cycles is that as fast as they can import immigrants and register them to vote, the GOP finds way to suppress these votes.

The problem for Democrats is that GOP tends to be better at voter suppression than the Democrats are.

The airheads in Hollywood who know as little about politics as they know how to tie their own shoes are promising to strike over the GOP’s voter-suppression advantage. These spoiled stars from snowflake city in California must be waiting for strike breaks straight out of 1930s movies so they can play heroes to a gullible public – when almost nobody cares whether they strike or not.

The new Democratic manual for losing sees voter suppression as a valuable tool in the aftermath of a lost election.

But the manual outlines other new strategies for losing candidates to use, such as holding out admission of losing for as long as possible – this is similar to a spoiled brat holding his or her breath until he or she turns blue (which may explain the blue wave.)

Another new strategy is to call for a recount regardless of how unrealistic or expensive to taxpayers with the hope someone might find a box or two of additional ballot hidden under some desk they can apply at last minute.

When all else fails, the manual suggests, that the losing candidate scream “cheater!” or better yet, “racist,” guaranteeing them a host of headlines in sympathetic media such as The Washington Post.

While the Democratic Blue Wave for the House of Representatives made the use of the new manual largely unnecessary, the failure of Democrats to take critical Senate seats became a new test for candidates who seemed to fall right into the roles. Some put on such a great performance they might qualify for an Oscar, if and when the Hollywood clan decides to call off their strike.

The one thing that became unmistakably clear from the 2018 midterms is that Democrats do not need a manual on how to lose, but how they should behave when they actually win.

But that's a whole different ball of wax.