February 4, 2019
Cop to Sergeant
We just had a bank robbery downtown involving four suspects described
as the following:
A black male in his mid-twenties
wearing a hoodie, sagging pants, no belt or shoelaces.
Accompanying him was in Hispanic
male, wearing thick gold chain, bright orange shirt and pointy shoes.
The third suspect has been described as an Arab with dark hair and a
thick black beard and Tattoos in Arabic on his arms and neck.
The fourth subject is a white male in his mid-30s wearing a red MAGA
hat.
Sergeant to cop:
Be advised new rules regarding suspects must be followed as to
descriptions.
We are no longer allowed to describe a suspect’s color under the rules
involving racial profiling.
We can no longer use the word hoodie since this is seen as shorthand
for potential gang activity. Sagging
pants lack of shoelaces and belt might indicate an ex-offender who we would not
want to offend.
We can no longer describe Latin males with reference to gold chains or
outlandish clothing on the rules concerning ethnic stereotypes.
This rule also applies to people from the Middle East and alleged
references to potential terrorist activities.
We should also be careful when describing white males wearing MAGA hats
since we do not want to offend Native Americans.
cop to sergeant:
Okay on the new rules.
But be advised that we have encountered the suspects and they appeared
to be armed.
The suspect who we cannot described as a black male wearing hoodie
sagging pants and no belt or shoelaces appears to be holding gun and is telling
us to go fuck ourselves.
The suspect who we cannot describe as a Latino male wearing a gold
chain and outrageously colored clothing appears to be holding a knife, he is
also telling us to fuck ourselves but in Spanish.
The suspect who we cannot refer to as an Arab appears to have
explosives strapped to his chest and while cursing us is also telling me not to
get too close or he will detonate the weapon or at least that's what we assume
he is saying since he is speaking Arabic.
The white male wearing the MAGA hat does not appear to be armed but may
have a concealed carry permit. He is
giving us the finger.
Sergeant to cop.
For Christ's sake be careful.
Make sure the guy with a gun really has a gun and not some dollar store
imitation that shoots bubbles instead of bullets or if it is a gun make sure
it's actually loaded. Maybe if you ask nice, the man will tell you whether it's
loaded or not of course if he shoots you, then you don't need to ask.
Make sure the knife is really a knife and not a toothbrush the man took
out with a sudden urge to brush his teeth or feather or maybe even some silver
teaspoon with which he intends to make tea later when he gets home.
As for the Arab who we can't say is an Arab make sure he really is an Arab
and really has a bomb strapped to his chest and his not really well endowed (We’re
not allowed to say fat.) You might want to find out if he is actually a refugee
and whether you might help him assist him on obtaining a green card. This might be a moot point if he decides to
blow you all up.
Above all don't use your taser because studies show that suspects could
get injured and do not use any other means of deadly force – do not use of
Choke holds or twisting arms or even foul language, unless of course you
actually get stabbed or shot or blown up.
And for God's sake if you have to shoot anyone shoot the white guy with
the MAGA hat because he's probably a Nazi any way.