Friday, July 3, 2020
Jersey City has set up machines at all its municipal
buildings to make sure that people who are coming in aren't dead.
“We don't want to make the same mistake we made with the
nursing homes,” said one official who noted that the testing of senior citizens
in nursing home and other senior buildings that started after the bodies
started piling up that was a dreadful mistake.
“this official said we knew they were having a problem in
Italy months earlier.
“But we thought the seniors in those senior centers were
dying because they were Italian,” the officials said. “Thus, not to make the
same mistake twice now we are going to make sure that when you come into a
municipal building, we know you're alive.
We going to check to make sure you still have a heartbeat and that you
are still breathing -- standards we
consider are two of the good classic signs that life, even if we might suspect
you might be brain-dead and mumbling about tearing down statues.”
This official said the city is being proactive even though
it comes six months after the pandemic hit.
“We consider this an innovation we are really proud of,” the
official said. “Of course, we never stopped
tracking people in restaurants to make sure they are not
dead and are relying on good citizens to report other people who might violate
our rules. We simply do not have the manpower to seen police to every house to
check if people are
This idea that the can protect you from death itself is one
of and outgrowth of other brilliant ideas that have been generated from this
administration over the last half decade – such as trying to keep people who
jaywalk from getting hit by unsuspecting drivers or creating bicycle lanes to
protect bike riders who would otherwise by running over pedestrians on the
sidewalks.
“We admit that in the past we were so busy protecting sea
turtles from unscrupulous plastic bags that we largely ignored this Public
Health crisis,” this official said. “The whole idea that technology can be used
effectively to detect when a person is dead is something we have not yet
realized before. Technology has come a long way to saving lives now we can
determine whether they are alive or dead just by having you passed through
machine.
And we will assure you that when you are dead, we will know
about it
The officials went on to say that the city has been vigilant
in other areas.
“We made sure that you did not catch anything from the city
parks by insisting you wear face masks,” the official said. “Unfortunately, we
missed the fact that people who are being admitted to the hospitals for other
diseases were catching it there and dying. But we managed to get enough
ventilators to make sure they could breathe their last breaths.”
The new technology may prove useful in the future in
preventing places like City Hall from becoming the same kind of breeding ground
for disease as hospitals and nursing homes – and since the governor of the
state is not likely to send sick people into city hall the way he sent them to
nursing homes, the death rate in municipal buildings is expected to be very
low. First responders – who were also significantly impacted by hospitals will
be relieved to know they won’t face significant risk if required to respond to
city hall for some medical emergency such as the mayor stubbing his toe on
Frank Haig’s desk.
City officials are still investigating how they might use
similar technology to check for dead people flocking into newly opened taverns –
admitting only reluctantly that having locked up ordinary people for four
months may have caused patrons to overreact.
“When we let people out of county jail because of the virus,
we told them to go home – and we’re pretty sure they did,” the official said. “But
when we told people we locked up in their homes that they could go out, they
rushed to bars to get drunk. Who would have thought? What were these people
thinking – that they live in free county or what?”
Prosecuting bar patrons and releasing prisoners from jail
has won the city praise from Gov. Murphy.
You know if Murphy praises you, you must be doing the right
thing-- although this is a little like getting praised for by Mussolini for
keeping the trains running on time.
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