Thursday, May 30, 2013
I feel it against my skin as I walk, a dull hat rising from deep inside me, pulsating with each step, growing hotter and more intense so that heat become and ache and each step become a test of endurance I’m not certain I can pass.
Life is a constant test of courage and character, defining in the end who we are and to what level we rise above instinct. But today, I am driven entirely by the animal inside, the beast who yearns for more than intellect, and my quest is not to feed it, but to somehow satisfy it, pacify it, without hurting someone else.
So I walk, baked from inside and out, as May leads to summer and a scalding I did not expect – the trees blooming with green where weeks ago they ached for release, each bud bursting in some measure of pain and satisfaction I have yet to fee, needing something to rub against and to rub against me, some other external fire more intense that the searing one inside of me – curing this ache with sweat and labor, the huff and puff of breathlessness I cannot achieve alone, the way forest fire fighters fight fires with fires of their own, and in this I need other hands to help stoke it, other hearts to beat breast to breast, other lungs to breathe in when I breathe out, another face to mirror mine about the sheets.
So I walk, aching from the inside out, feeling one fire but not the other on this find, hot morning in May.