Feds to investigate Lincoln groping Ginsberg

Friday, September 21, 2018

After intensive negotiations with members of the U.S. Senate attorneys representing Ruth Bader Ginsberg will get their wishes. The senate will ask the FBI to investigate the circumstances surrounding the groping claims.

Investigators, however, will be facing the daunting task of finding witnesses to the event since Lincoln has been dead for 150 years, and Ginsberg – while nearly as old – cannot clearly recall the details of the incent, such as where, when and how Lincoln managed to accomplish the outrage.

GOP legislators were at first reluctant to call for a full FBI inquiry partly because Lincoln is a republican and this case could have negative repercussions for the outcome of the midterm elections. Democrats are fuming about the incident and numerous prominent Democratic officials said they believe Ginsberg’s claims, and said they will propose tearing down of the Lincoln Memorial and possibly his bust on Mount Rushmore if the investigation proves Ginsberg’s case.

Some prominent members of the GOP are reluctant to come to Lincoln’s defense, because they are fearful that voters – especially women voters – will come out against them in November.

T-shirts and other paraphernalia have already hit the shelves of local stores and are being ordered from Amazon.com with the logo: Lincoln is not my president.

Some women’s groups, in particular those connected to the MeToo movement are pressing legislators to have Lincoln listed as a sex offender, and propose banning the teaching about Lincoln in schools.

Radical groups have already defaced a number of Lincoln statues, and some protestors have been carrying signs saying: “We wish we could shoot Lincoln again” and “Once was not enough.”

While more reasonable legislators are asking the public to remain calm so that they can evaluate what actually did happen, media has been sniffing through Lincoln’s past for any clue that he might have had a history of sexual misbehavior. Some suspect that he may have actually murdered the one woman who he professed to love as a young man.

The attorneys for Ginsberg have agreed also to allow her to testify before a Senate subcommittee, but only on the condition that senators do not ask her any question that might prove she might be lying.

Women’s groups have already started a gofund me page to help offset Ginsberg’s legal fees, and protestors are already filling the senate gallery chanting: “Lincoln must go.”

Some members of the national GOP appear to be on the verge of distancing themselves from Lincoln. Some are even contemplating changing parties in order to appease the outraged women who have begun a campaign of letters and emails.

Lincoln, however, has remained mum about the charges.